Read Chapter 12 in They Say/I Say (on revision).

 Pay particular attention to the Revision Checklist (starts on p. 165). 

Then, in an ePortfolio post (“On Revision”), choose TWO of those bold revision headings, written as questions (Is Your Revision Really Substantial, How Effective is What You Say? etc.) and respond to the particular question, referencing specifics from your your 3rd essay draft. For example: If I choose to respond to “How Effective Is What You Say?” I’d evaluate those particular elements in my draft, in a paragraph or two, giving detailed examples, and specifying strengths and weaknesses and ways to improve that element through revision.

How Well Do You Represent What Others Say?

I represent what others say in an effective manner that supports my overall claims. I incorporate what they say, mainly through the use of embedded quotes. For example, in my first claim relating to empathy, I state, this only can occur if you “have no relationships, love nothing, are a sociopath, and maybe, if you’re enlightened” (Gay 3). This accurately relates to being empathetic as we have all experienced some form of relationships and love.  

I start my essay with what I say, rather than what they say, to bring in a specific personal connection relating to my experience thus far in college. However, I still need to tie my personal connections deeper to my claims. This is by going deeper in my intention and description of why it is included in the first place. Making it obvious for the reader. I will also spread out my They Say throughout the essay to remove any congestion with personal integration in between. I have documented my sources in the essay, and will create my works cited when it is time to submit the essay. 

Have you Shown Why Your Argument Matters?

Yes, I have shown why my argument matters, “we are all not that different from one another.” We all have experienced sorrow and joy, but maybe have never understood the true connection and necessity for both. I will hone in to emphasize these similarities by digging deeper in elaborating on the importance of empathy in centering joy in a world filled with distraction and division. This will strengthen why readers should care even more. 

My draft can be improved by using certain templates such as “My critique here is important because” to show the reader specifically what are my personal claims and how it relates to my source integration.